I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
