You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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