Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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