I just pynch a tree in the face
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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