I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
