$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
