Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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