I accidentally had phone sex last night
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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