You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
