3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Randomize
