Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
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