i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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