he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
