I accidentally burped into my bong.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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