Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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