I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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