A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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