my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
