vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Are my feet made of real feet?
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I'm getting married
To pizza
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
