i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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