So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
We got so high we made milksteak
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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