Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
