You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
