i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
