life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
