I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
