im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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