At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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