I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
