If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
