someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
