Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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