Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
