someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
