How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Randomize
