I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Randomize
