Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
