Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
