You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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