He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Randomize
