How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
