we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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