This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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