the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
