Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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