If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
