The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
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