Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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