I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
