I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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